I feel like I just went through a breakup. And it hurts. I guess I’ve been happily married so long that I forgot what this feels like.
Another mother told me that as you have kids and sort out the type of person you are and what you believe in, a lot of friendships will fade away. They will be tested. And obviously some will fail.
Well, we’ve failed. A friend of mine– we met in homeroom in 9th grade.
I can disagree. I’m cool with agreeing to disagree, even when it’s something I strongly believe in, like the care of my child, politics, religions. There are many ways to see everything.
What I’m not okay with is people who are unable to argue or disagree about a topic without becoming personally insulting, without attacking the character of a person instead of solely their opinion.
It’s a common problem in this culture, for sure. Read the comments after any news article or blog on a touchy subject and you’ll find people throwing around generalizations, accusations, trying to undermine a person’s opinion by undermining who they are or what group they belong to.
And it’s just so effing immature and lazy.
A friend called me the other day and I mentioned that Ada is getting sent to a pediatric gastroenterologist, kind of as a double check, just to make sure that there isn’t an underlying physical cause for her difficulty in digesting foods and proteins.
This friend suggested I try a formula, and I told her that Ada is allergic to soy, cow’s milk, corn, all the ingredients in just about every formula. She said I should try that before going to a GI, which would be against the advice of my doctor, who is completely on board with how we are approaching Ada’s allergies.
She told me to go back and listen to my “mommy friends”. I just don’t understand. What am I doing that is against the “medical perspective” she said that she represented?
So let’s get this straight. Anyone that knows me knows I am very natural and food minded when it comes to maintaining health, fighting disease, and dealing with Ada’s issues. I’m very green. I use cloth diapers. I’m somewhat of a stereotype of a hippy.
I didn’t know that that box, and only that box, is how my friend saw me. I’m alot more than that too, and it isn’t fair to act like because I cloth diaper and extended breastfeed, I’m not listening to my doctor.
This is exactly what I emailed her later, when the baby was napping:
“It’s great that you are knowledgable about certain subjects and you want to share that, but when it comes to certain things, especially the health of an infant, it is important to have information correct.
It is NOT the medical perspective to ever feed a baby a formula that contains an ingredient she is allergic to. To advise a mom to do so, even with good intentions, is negligent. If she was to listen to you, it would have bad consequences for the child. A food allergy, even one to cow’s milk protein, can cause anaphylaxis without warning. It may be a mild allergy one day, and then poof—a serious one. That is why all of the doctors I have spoken with have encouraged and supported my decision to keep her away from all of the proteins that she is allergic to. To advise any mom to go against the doctor’s recommendations, in this case to go see a ped GI (you said I should try a formula first) is negligent. You don’t think that would have occurred our doctor, allergist, myself or other mothers I know if that was the best course of action? There are some hydrolyzed formulas out there that break down the proteins but they are considered a secondary solution to breastmilk.
As to the enzymes and antibodies no longer being there after a month… its just not true. It’s documented all over the place; you can look it up if you don’t believe me.
Maybe you are talking about the colostrum… sure, after 5 days the milk comes in and the colostrum is much more secretory IgA as opposed to fat and protein. But antibodies and enzymes (specifically lyzozome) increase as the baby gets older.
So I’m not trying to give you a hard time here—but this is exactly the kind of misinformation that helps contribute our health problems in this country, and women and babies deserve the correct info. I wouldn’t, and neither would the doctors and allergists (as long as they are good ones) put myself through eliminating food after food if some magic formula could fix her allergies. You said it is rare—Yes, it is rare. That doesn’t mean it isn’t happening to us.”
Maybe it was harsh? I didn’t think so, but I obviously can’t be objective. I just thought it needed to be said, because I wanted someone that was important to me to understand what I am doing and what I believe in. Now I feel stupid. Nobody understands this if they don’t have kids, and even then, many people don’t.
So this is what she replied to me:
“Neglect is using your child as a science experience when you are unsatisified with your own life. If you wanted to be a holistic doctor and do more with you life than you are,then maybe you should of went to medical school instead of using the internet as a resource crutch. If there is anything wrong with our society is people like you who think they did some research on the internet and possibly read a book or two and are now qualified to tell those of us who have dedicated our lives to our professions that you know more.”
One note. This person is not a medical doctor, nurse, or medical professional. She is a vet student, as in animals.
Life sucks. Or at least it changes.
Who’d have thought an old friend would support me or have faith in my ability as a mother? I did. I’d already stopped mentioning to acquaintances at play dates and places about food allergies unless it really, really came up. Now I have this to expect from people that have been hanging out with me for ten years?
Okay. I’ll stop being melodramatic. I’m glad that I have such wonderful new friends in my life this year. Lori!!! 🙂
Not always easy:
It is incumbent upon everyone to show the utmost love, rectitude of conduct, straightforwardness and sincere kindliness unto all the peoples and kindreds of the world, be they friends or strangers. So intense must be the spirit of love and loving-kindness, that the stranger may find himself a friend, the enemy a true brother, no difference whatsoever existing between them. For universality is of God and all limitations earthly.
(Abdu’l-Baha, Baha’i World Faith – Abdu’l-Baha Section, p. 445)
They must purify their sight, and look upon mankind as the leaves, blossoms and fruits of the tree of creation, and must always be thinking of doing good to someone, of love, consideration, affection and assistance to somebody. They must see no enemy and count no one as an ill wisher. They must consider every one on the earth as a friend; regard the stranger as an intimate
(Abdu’l-Baha, Baha’i World Faith – Abdu’l-Baha Section, p. 215)