I feel like such a useless mom/wife/woman sometimes.
Humans are terribly complex creatures.
On the one hand, I see the house and it’s a wreck. Azita’s room is messy, the laundry is clean but piled up and unfolded, there are toys all over the dining room floor, and the outside of the house is embarassing in the grass’s need to be mowed and the garden needs weeding.
And it makes me think, “Why, why, after having kids for four years am I still unable to keep things tidy and organized?” Why haven’t I made a chore list for each day or made some sense of organization so that on the tough weeks like this one, things are still done?
And then remind myself that I’ve been working on articles all week, as well as had an LLL meeting, as well as took the kids to an organic farm. Those are great experiances and opportunities for them.
So then I remind myself that for me, being a mom means the kids needs come before a clean house. And being a mom who works at home means putting the kids needs before my work, but the housework behind my articles.
And then I get all defiant and feminist– why should being a woman mean I feel bad because the house got a little messy? It’s not my role in life to only keep a clean house! It doesn’t mean I’m less of a woman because I’m taking care of kids *and* working!
And then I tell myself that’s just an excuse. I should be able to write a few articles and keep the place cleaner.
I remember when a certain older woman in my life lived with us for a few months how inadequate she could make me feel with her comments about my home.
But I’m smart enough to know that when you feel defensive, you are *allowing* someone to make you feel that way. Whether they are making an offensive statement or not, you wouldn’t feel bad if you weren’t unsure of yourself to begin with. I really believe that. That philosophy has been tested, when people make statements you know are hurtful and make you defensive for good reason.
But in the end, if I am truly secure that the needs of my kids come first and the needs of my work, which makes me happy and feel fulfilled and like my career is not on-hold, than no one’s thoughts about the messy-ness of my house matter.
Payman’s thoughts on it might matter some, but he has never, ever been the kind to make me feel bad about it. Last night he took the initiative to scrub down the kitchen for me while I watched Ada. Ada has had a bit of a screetchy week. Screetchy meaning she keeps on screetching! She is learning words fast but sometimes wants to get her point across in other ways. And some weeks I deal with it better than others.
So the complexities of human nature and gender roles aside, I do feel like it is time I got better organized. I think I’ve been saying for a year that I will assign each room/task a day that it gets focused on. Then the kitchen and vaccuuming are obviously daily tasks, but, for instance, Monday would be laundry, Tuesday would be Azita’s room, et cetera et cetera.
Is this a good plan? Will it help? Anyone want to give me the magic key to getting it all done and not being ashamed to invite people over to your house?
I wanted to have a farmer’s market potluck, and just invite people over for often in general, but it’s just not going to happen with Barbie dolls, colored pencils, and kid’s clothes all over the place!